This morning I went to the Running Buddies as usual and Sam finally succeeded in egging me on enough to have another crack at Mount Cootha. I felt quite flat and lethargic when I woke up this morning - partly from yesterdays cross training effort and partly from eating too much dinner but I decided to give it a go. I learnt a valuable lesson:
Off we set, up the mountain and I knew by the first, extrodinarily long hill that I'd bitten off way more than I could chew. Sam ran with me for a while but I hate feeling like I'm holding people back so I told her to take off after the others. For most of the way up the mountain, I felt really irritated at myself and quite tearful (emotional runner that I am) and contemplated turning back or cutting through up the 5km track to the top then realised that Sam said she'd probably wait for me at the top so I had to do the whole thing. I huffed and puffed and swore and slowed to a walk and kicked myself mentally up the bum for getting too cocky. The sun was starting to glare and it was getting more and more humid and I felt like I was fighting the road and the hills and the mountain.
When I got past the worst part of the ascent, into the more bushy part of the run, something just happened to me. Sorrounded by the bush and the wind and glimpses of a beautiful view, I just decided to just relax and enjoy the run, regardless of how much I walked. I put aside all the pressure that I was putting on myself and remembered a time when walking 500m down a flat road seemed difficult. Looking back at my years in the morbidly obese category, the sensation that stays with me the most is a feeling of being trapped in my body, of slow motion and everything being such an effort. I think that's actually why I get emotional about my running - I still have that sensation of really pushing my body - of moving being an effort, only now it's because I'm challenging myself physically, not just because I want to get out of a chair or go up a single flight of stairs.
Today as I slogged my way up that mountain, I realised that there's nothing wrong in accepting my limitations now - It doesnt mean that I'm not pushing against them in the long term. I'm still going to work to improve (and one day, I will run that entire mountain, beginning to end - that's a promise!) but it's not the same thing as accepting how I was when I weighed 126kgs. Defeat doesn't mean the same thing anymore.
Once I admitted 'defeat' to the mountain, I felt like I could start to work with it, rather than against it - I started to enjoy my run/walk/run and I got to admire things I might not have seen otherwise - a whole flock of grazing sulphur crested cockatoos, for example. One of them looked at me as I went by and I swear, it really seemed to look at me. I think if it was able to smile, it would have!
The road teaches humility; the lesson is freedom.
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12 comments:
You are doing great, you should not be down on yourself. The fact that you are attempting challenging runs deserves admiration. The thrill I get from running is exactly what you experienced today, the reality that there is always something out there that will challenge you and in some instances break you. Look at the advantages of today, it has identified an area that you may want to incorperate into your training program, when it comes down to it, emotionally you may be a little down but the health benefits of challenging you body physically are so much more significant. Keep up the good work.
Terrific post Hannah. Its wierd how some of our greatest personal revalations come to us when we are least expecting them isnt it?
Hannah, that's a fantastic post! That's a big challenge you set yourself and you made it. It won't be long before you're running all the way up it I'm sure.
Beautiful post, Hannah. An absolute joy to read.
I really enjoyed reading your post because I could relate to it as well. I've started yoga this year and one thing it has taught me is not to fight against things or obstacles but to be aware of how my body is reacting and to work with it, not against it. It really does work and you explained it so eloquently - thank you.
That did not sound like a defeat but a huge victory!!! What a great run! I think we sometimes we all get so caught up with improving and times etc we forget why we run! You have reminded me that I do it because it makes me feel so good... the rest is a bonus!
Keep up all your hard work! I was also about a 115kg and lost about 45kg and running to me is such a spin out... I often think I can not believe I am doing this!!! At the same time you still feel like the big fat girl with all those insecurities! I say yeah you... you should be really proud of all your achievents!!! Sit back and reflect where you have come from and have a "wow I cant believe I can do this" moment!!!
Hannah, even though I saw you after your run this morning and heard a little about it then I had goosebumps reading your post.
Every now and then in a run I feel like you did today, is something special that's hard to explain (though you managed to). In fact last time I felt it was several months ago running up Mt Coot-tha. If only one could bottle it ....
Congratulations on what you did this morning. May there be many more.
Certainly is a very open and thought provoking post Hannah.
As for that flock of cuckatoos. I hope they are not the same ones that were in my backyard on Thursday morning at 4:30 screeching away. Woke us all up. I tell you there were no smiles back at them then.
From one emotional runner to another...I hear you! Thanks for that post. You've given me an insight too. I think I too battle those "heavy" demons when I push myself and I can take a leaf from your book!
You're not the first person to be defeated by a mountain, Hannah. I'm looking forward to day you finally beat it.
Got to watch out for those cockatoos! True to what everyone else said, your post was great. As for Mount Cootha, I still haven't conquered Mount Ainslie, and I figure just give it time. The same goes for you.
What a wonderful post Hannah.
I can't wait to read your post when you do run up it without stopping for the first time :-)
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