At the moment, I'm reading a book called 'Appetite' which is the memoir of a woman who had anorexia. It also talks alot about the relationship between food, desire and femininity in western culture (which is why I bought it originally). All of which has also been a key part of the research I did during my MA - I wrote a lot about it in my thesis and in turn, through my art work.
The author fell in love with rowing and talks about how she beat her eating disorder through striving to have a fit body, rather than a thin one (that's a vast simplification of the book of course, but that's the part that I'm interested in currently) and it strikes me that that's how I view my relationship with exercising. I think it's where I might have been going wrong with the whole lose-weight thing lately. I want to lose weight to run faster and get fitter, but to do that, I've been obsessing a little over the numbers on the scale and *getting thinner*. What I should really be looking at is whether I am faster and fitter, regardless. I'll still measure progress by my weight of course (one day I'll hit 75kgs, I swear it) but when it becomes not about the joy of running and exercise, it becomes not-fun, non-rewarding and that's not really sustainable in the long term.
Anyway, that's enough of Hannah's-mental-non-running-ramblings for now!
The good news is that the lovely Skizzik and I may well be doing our first adventure race next month (running-riding-kayaking) and I'm feeling really excited about it! The goal is not really to be uber quick or anything, but just to have fun, to challenge ourselves and complete the course. So strange to be doing things like that - two years ago, I'd have hated it. Now I can't wait! Am soooo excited about the Gold Coast - have accommodation sorted for the saturday night, still pondering what to do about sunday... could drive back to Brisbane after the afterparty, but I'm sooo going to need a shower somewhere in there. Maybe I'll book another night at the hotel on my own or something. Who knows!
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3 comments:
Hannah, I think you're wonderful the way you persevere in your battle with weight; that kind of determination will most certainly get you the reward you strive for; hope to say 'hello' at the GC so I hope we meet up somewhere & I look forward to reading more from your blog which I always find one of the most interesting.....keep on keeping on!
I've had the same battle myself Hannah. For many years at uni, I starved myself trying to be *thin*. Now I am at the place I want to be - I now view food as fuel and while I sometimes hate the numbers on the scales, my focus is now on being a fitter and stronger athlete. I'm proud of you for being so open about your battles. It makes me stronger and move brave as well - so thank you. J
I'm totally with you on the fit vs thin issue. I feel like I've constantly been battling to be thin when I should have been thinking about getting fit and healthy. I'm sure a lot of it is because people don't tell you that you look fit do they? No they comment on the fact that you've lost weight and so inadvertantly people support that fixation on thinness, not to mention the media. I too got stuck on the numbers on my scales and was getting very depressed that despite everything I was doing they weren't moving. Then for no apparent reason a few kilos dropped off. I'm now trying not to fixate on the number but to keep appreciating the things that being fit bring instead, and having some faith that my body will reward me eventually and if it doesn't, well at least I can outsprint my mates for the bus!
As jen says it's great to hear other's stories and that we're not on our own with this battle!
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