Because every woman should shave her head at least once in her life time, and my hair was very short anyway, I decided to do mine ;) snap decision, though on retrospect, I really should've done it for charity.
It's quite liberating, though my head is a bit cold. It's growing surprisingly fast, too. It feels great and I can't stop rubbing my head. It also has fantastic velcro properties ;) Just kidding.
Of course, I also seem to fit right in at the mental health section of the local hospital now. Just call me Britney. Not! I don't know why I've been so hush hush about what's been happening to me lately - I think it's that I have been scared people will judge me for it. But perhaps, while I don't talk about this stuff, I'm actually lending power to that idea.
Anyway, the long and the short of it, if you hadn't guessed already, is that I've been suffering from acute, clinical depression as well as bulimia and a personality disorder. All in all, I've been as low as you can possibly get. My birthday was the pinnacle and, well, I'm lucky I'm still here.
It's hard to explain what that's like to someone who hasn't been there. There's a line in the sand in life and once you've crossed it, the knowledge that you're capable is always there. Then there's the effect such things have on the people who love you. I'm still working my way through that aftermath.... I am still the Hannah that people know, but on another level, I am quite literally, a big, fat mess. My family and workplace have been really supportive, but funding changes at work have made things quite unstable so who knows what the future holds.
Depression makes me behave like a hermit. I can go out to see friends in small groups or go to the movies, but I struggle with large groups or public events. I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. The effort it takes me to fight my illness every day seems to just suck all will out of me.
I know that eventually things will have to settle. In the mean time, I'm attempting to weather the storm. I do want to get back to running. I just think it's all going to take some time. One day at a time!
10 comments:
Heh babe, don't worry about the running.
Like me - LIFE becomes a priority and we need to just live each day as it comes, including the highs and lows.
Running is something we choose to do when our bodies and circumstances allow us. It does not define WHO we are or WHO we can associate with.
Hang in there Hannah.
xxx
One day at a time. And remember, your loving, lurking, non-judgemental blog stalkers are here for you. :-)
**hug**
Hannah, you are loved and valued in ways that you can never imagine, even by people who have never met you. I still treasure the blog banner that you so generously created for me, and I know there are many like me. It is so easy to forget the little ways that we touch other people's hearts. But it is these little things we think nothing of that create our true worth as a person. And in that sense you are truly priceless. I wish you well in re-discovering the joy in life. Please keep sharing the journey on your blog because your friends in blogland as well as those you actually know really do care and are interested in how you are doing. Ganbatte!
Hi Hannah
So many of us have come very close to that line in the sand and for many of us the only reason we haven't crossed it is because we have too many damn obligations.
I'm very, very glad you're still on this side, sweetie! Clairie is very wise. Listen to her! The world is a better place with you in it - so we need you here.
Always know that you are loved for who you are, not just automatically because you're a Coolrunner. You are a wise, strong, loyal, creative, fun friend and you mean the world to the Brissie CR girls, whether you are currently runinng or not. I've only run for a maximum of 16 minutes this year but they still let me be in the B CR G club.
If you possibly can, please keep in touch with the people who love you (aka US), even if it's just by sms or facebook.
{{{{{{{{{{{{HANNAH}}}}}}}}}}
Hey gorgeous
I'm glad you are still here too! The others are right - running does not define you. It is simply something you do. You will always be a runner because in your heart, soul & mind you are a runner.
Just take one step at a time & Louise is right - your loving, non-judgemental blog stalkers are always here for & with you.
Love & hugs,
J xxx
Hannah one of my lasting memories of you is the way you stuck with me in the Warwick 10km in 05. I was so very grateful to have you by my side that day.
I've really enjoyed reading Journeys with the Black Dog lately. It's been very soothing to read of other's experiences and to hear how they have beaten or befriended their black dogs.
There are a couple of quotes I really liked so I'll put them on my blog and send you the link.
BTW You look stunning with no hair. Your amazing blue eyes are somehow highlighted. I often wonder what the association is with black moods and cutting off one's hair. When I'm depressed I cut mine off. In the past when I've been very depressed I've felt like ripping it out from my scalp.
but I ramble...what I wanted to say is to reinforce what the others have said and to say good on you for telling us so we can offer our support.
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe
Hannah I really need your help. Can you please email me at home - queenslanders@bigpond.com.au and I will send you some more details.
sorry to hear you are unwell hannah,
no-one is going to judge you.
things will change.
sending positive vibes.
So good to hear from you. I often look at my lovely blog banner and think of you.
Stay on this side of that line and remember there are lots of people who are there to help you, you just have to ask.
Oh Hannah, Hannah! I don't often read blogs and have only just caught up with your news.
What can I say except to underline what all your friends are saying: hang in there my friend. We're all holding your hand in love and friendship.
Hannah, my lovely friend, can I set you a goal?
I want you to live your life so that, in twelve months' time, whether you are running or not, your friends will be able to point to you and say "See that girl? She's got guts!"
Hannah I'm sending you the most positive of vibes from Tasmania and will continue to do so.
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