Because every woman should shave her head at least once in her life time, and my hair was very short anyway, I decided to do mine ;) snap decision, though on retrospect, I really should've done it for charity.
It's quite liberating, though my head is a bit cold. It's growing surprisingly fast, too. It feels great and I can't stop rubbing my head. It also has fantastic velcro properties ;) Just kidding.
Of course, I also seem to fit right in at the mental health section of the local hospital now. Just call me Britney. Not! I don't know why I've been so hush hush about what's been happening to me lately - I think it's that I have been scared people will judge me for it. But perhaps, while I don't talk about this stuff, I'm actually lending power to that idea.
Anyway, the long and the short of it, if you hadn't guessed already, is that I've been suffering from acute, clinical depression as well as bulimia and a personality disorder. All in all, I've been as low as you can possibly get. My birthday was the pinnacle and, well, I'm lucky I'm still here.
It's hard to explain what that's like to someone who hasn't been there. There's a line in the sand in life and once you've crossed it, the knowledge that you're capable is always there. Then there's the effect such things have on the people who love you. I'm still working my way through that aftermath.... I am still the Hannah that people know, but on another level, I am quite literally, a big, fat mess. My family and workplace have been really supportive, but funding changes at work have made things quite unstable so who knows what the future holds.
Depression makes me behave like a hermit. I can go out to see friends in small groups or go to the movies, but I struggle with large groups or public events. I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. The effort it takes me to fight my illness every day seems to just suck all will out of me.
I know that eventually things will have to settle. In the mean time, I'm attempting to weather the storm. I do want to get back to running. I just think it's all going to take some time. One day at a time!
