I'm still alive. Obviously.
I will try to restrict this entry to running related stuff. Of which there is little, since I literally haven't done any exercise since my last post.
I am currently still waging war with my bloody orthotics and that is still just in the day to day scheme of things. I have blisters all over my feet as I try them in various different shoes. Shoes which were once comfortable without orthotics become unbearable with. I am rubbing parts of my feet raw. In sheer desperation, today I went into the city and spent $180.00 on a pair of work shoes that will hopefully do the trick. We shall see. I have had the orthotics reviewed and reshaped, but it is a long and painful process. My foot feels no better, so in the long term, it looks like I may well be facing surgery.
I am also still rather unwell. I am currently going up and down every two weeks or so, feeling better then worse, then better, then worse. It sucks. A lot. I rattle when I walk from the amount of medication I am currently taking. It's all rather a big change for someone who not so long ago, rarely took so much as a panadol.
My lovely friend Em is running with the club now and loving it. I am hearing news via the grapevine and missing it all rather a lot. If I can muster the motivation, I am going to try to go to tuesday track sessions and just use the time to walk around the outside of the field, until/if I can start to jog gently.
Unfortunately, my injury, combined with my illness, the side effects of the medication and my resurfaced eating disorder means that I am currently back at 105kgs and a size 20. I am secretly terrified of seeing the wider running cohort because I am so embarrassed by regaining all the weight. I know (I hope!) that no one is going to judge me for it but it is mortifying.
I'd completely forgotten how awful people can be when you're fat - a few weeks ago I had to try to find an evening dress for a work function. I finally found something I liked and the woman in the shop literally sneered at me and asked incredulously if I was shopping for myself. She then told me they didn't have my size and that they only went to a sixteen. It is pretty mortifying to be treated like that. Needless to say, I didn't buy anything to wear.
So yeah. It's all fun here. But I'm not ready to give up on running just yet. I am right back here at square one, but one day, I'd really like to be able to run again, just a little. I'm going to continue to try to get back to running, anyway.
7 comments:
Once you get the feet thing sorted I'm sure you'll get back. You've done it before.
You've done it before - you will do it & get back into it again.
Be kind to yourself lovely. We miss you !
No-one in the running community wil judge you. You'll soon be back amongst us.
I had the same problem when I firsts got my orthotics and still have to be very careful what shoes I buy. The best ones I found for not rubbing were the Loco Espressos, which is good 'cos they're cheap too! They just seemed to work with my feet and orthotics and are a neutral shoe which is what you really need with orthotics. Hope you can find something that works for you.
No judgement here lovey. as Jen said - be kind to yourself. This is just another blip and you'll be up again in a few months. If you want to walk with someone let me know.
And orthotics are a pain in the arse but try and stick with them. I ended up having to pay $200 for a pair of shoes that I can wear to work and I wear the same pair everyday. I hate seeing everyone else's girly shoes but at least I can walk now!
I luv ya not matter what :-)
Hannah you are special and lovely. Don't think for a minute that we all think you are great because of how you look or what size you are...so putting on a few kilos changes nothing kiddo.
I do know how you are feeling, I am struggling to find motivation to get the energy to get back into it. Mentally all I want to do is run but when I get up I have so much else to do and then I have no energy left to even walk!!!
My clothes don't fit me so I have to wear my maternity clothes still or worse *borrow* my husbands shorts. On top of all that it I am also in pain a bit still from the birth and all together some days are just real bad days.
I gather when you posted this, it was a real bad day for you. Because if it was a good day you would think of all your running buddies and know how much we love you and how much you contribute to being part of the community - not just with your running but all other things. The photos, the support and the cheering.
There are lots of us that go through periods where we can't run and it is then that we most need each other. So dont hide from us, come out and cheer us on and stay in touch. Do what you plan and go to the training sessions just to walk. At least the habit of attending will remain and be good for you.
I hope the medication is working and the foot is healing. Maybe it might be time soon to not focus on the foot and just look after yourself. Be good to yourself and let the self esteem build back up again to the bright and bubbly hannah we all know and love.
xxxxx
Big Hugs
Mother Clairie
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