hi

hello all, very quick post to say I'm still here, still alive. I'm using one of those dodgy netkiosk thingies. I'm in hospital unfortunately and have been for the last ten days but hoping to be out tonight or early this week! Dying to get out into fresh air!

Hope you're all well, safe and happy.

Still chugging along. Went for a slow walk on friday. May even do it again today. Woo! LOL.

I'm going up to Mooloolaba for a few days at xmas. I think my nearest and dearest are rather afraid to leave me alone on significant dates now. That said, I'm looking forward to spending some time swimming, sunbaking and reading. My planned reading for the break currently includes "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" which I've been meaning to read for years.

Thanks also for all the comments, lovely people. It's nice to read supportive stuff. I will have to read more blogs - I've not been online so much lately.

In an effort to do something positive, I took this photo the other day on my walk. The good thing about walking is that I can carry my camera, which I can't do when I run (too much shaking for an SLR!)

Hope you're all looking forward to a very happy xmas and new year. I've got my fingers crossed that 2008 is a whole lot better than 2007!

H x

I have no hair

Because every woman should shave her head at least once in her life time, and my hair was very short anyway, I decided to do mine ;) snap decision, though on retrospect, I really should've done it for charity.

It's quite liberating, though my head is a bit cold. It's growing surprisingly fast, too. It feels great and I can't stop rubbing my head. It also has fantastic velcro properties ;) Just kidding.

Of course, I also seem to fit right in at the mental health section of the local hospital now. Just call me Britney. Not! I don't know why I've been so hush hush about what's been happening to me lately - I think it's that I have been scared people will judge me for it. But perhaps, while I don't talk about this stuff, I'm actually lending power to that idea.

Anyway, the long and the short of it, if you hadn't guessed already, is that I've been suffering from acute, clinical depression as well as bulimia and a personality disorder. All in all, I've been as low as you can possibly get. My birthday was the pinnacle and, well, I'm lucky I'm still here.

It's hard to explain what that's like to someone who hasn't been there. There's a line in the sand in life and once you've crossed it, the knowledge that you're capable is always there. Then there's the effect such things have on the people who love you. I'm still working my way through that aftermath.... I am still the Hannah that people know, but on another level, I am quite literally, a big, fat mess. My family and workplace have been really supportive, but funding changes at work have made things quite unstable so who knows what the future holds.

Depression makes me behave like a hermit. I can go out to see friends in small groups or go to the movies, but I struggle with large groups or public events. I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. The effort it takes me to fight my illness every day seems to just suck all will out of me.

I know that eventually things will have to settle. In the mean time, I'm attempting to weather the storm. I do want to get back to running. I just think it's all going to take some time. One day at a time!

Hola

Hello Blogland,

I’m still kicking. Or at least I really would be if I could kick one foot with the other without falling over. I’m currently on another round of name-that-antiinflammatory and trying to muster some enthusiasm to move my ever-expanding arse. If my foot isn’t better by February (marking 12 months since I hurt it) I’m going back to the specialist and begging for surgery.

I did go swimming last week. Once. The only thing that’s getting a major work out around me currently is the local mental health system. I’m collecting labels.

Besides spending quality time with my Psychiatrist, therapist, doctor and caseworker (we are just one big happy family, really) I am currently working many, many hours a week. Which is good, really, since this is a stormy time for my employer with recent funding cuts and may go some way to helping me keep my job. There are also family problems brewing, just to add some icing to the overbaked cake.

I saw the running girls tonight. Went to Ronnie’s and had Mexican. Complete with Sombreros and plastic cacti. It was nice to see them all.

Now Don't Die of Shock...

It's only been a month since my last confession post.

I'm still alive. Obviously.

I will try to restrict this entry to running related stuff. Of which there is little, since I literally haven't done any exercise since my last post.

I am currently still waging war with my bloody orthotics and that is still just in the day to day scheme of things. I have blisters all over my feet as I try them in various different shoes. Shoes which were once comfortable without orthotics become unbearable with. I am rubbing parts of my feet raw. In sheer desperation, today I went into the city and spent $180.00 on a pair of work shoes that will hopefully do the trick. We shall see. I have had the orthotics reviewed and reshaped, but it is a long and painful process. My foot feels no better, so in the long term, it looks like I may well be facing surgery.

I am also still rather unwell. I am currently going up and down every two weeks or so, feeling better then worse, then better, then worse. It sucks. A lot. I rattle when I walk from the amount of medication I am currently taking. It's all rather a big change for someone who not so long ago, rarely took so much as a panadol.

My lovely friend Em is running with the club now and loving it. I am hearing news via the grapevine and missing it all rather a lot. If I can muster the motivation, I am going to try to go to tuesday track sessions and just use the time to walk around the outside of the field, until/if I can start to jog gently.

Unfortunately, my injury, combined with my illness, the side effects of the medication and my resurfaced eating disorder means that I am currently back at 105kgs and a size 20. I am secretly terrified of seeing the wider running cohort because I am so embarrassed by regaining all the weight. I know (I hope!) that no one is going to judge me for it but it is mortifying.

I'd completely forgotten how awful people can be when you're fat - a few weeks ago I had to try to find an evening dress for a work function. I finally found something I liked and the woman in the shop literally sneered at me and asked incredulously if I was shopping for myself. She then told me they didn't have my size and that they only went to a sixteen. It is pretty mortifying to be treated like that. Needless to say, I didn't buy anything to wear.

So yeah. It's all fun here. But I'm not ready to give up on running just yet. I am right back here at square one, but one day, I'd really like to be able to run again, just a little. I'm going to continue to try to get back to running, anyway.

Far OUT! You have got to be kidding...

I woke up this morning to find my foot is sore again. Not only that, but I also have a sharp pain in the other one, too. Feels like a pinched nerve or something.

All from walking 3km?

Blah!

TT

This morning I went to the 5km time trial at Shorncliffe. It was really good to see everyone, although I felt really self-conscious going back looking and feeling so overweight and unfit. Was great to see Uncle Phil though, who is looking heaps better after his surgery.

So much has happened since I was last there – the problems with my foot and then the other stuff that’s had me in hospital three or four times… all in all, I feel rather changed by the last few months. Hopefully in a good way. Time will tell, I guess!

Anyway, my orthotics are still painful, so I probably walked 3km today. My feet are sore, though not blistered. I did attempt to run a couple of hundred metres, just to see what it feels like with the orthotics and it felt truly bizarre, like I am running with my toes turned in and down. My body weight and stride has shifted so much that I’m paranoid I’m going to twist my ankle or fall over. I’m not quite sure what affect running on the outside of my feet is going to have on the rest of me, either.

Anyway, babysteps.

Only seven months, three weeks to go until I can take them out.

Orthotics...

Orthotics....

Ow.

I feel like I'm walking on potatoes. It feels so unnatural having my weight moved to the outside edge of my feet. Like I'm going to twist my ankles very easily.... I am currently doubting very much that I will ever be able to run on these, let alone get used to it! They're so hard.

Time will tell, I suppose. I go back for a final check in, in a few weeks.

I may attempt to walk the 5km time trial on saturday, depending on blisters.

update

Well, I pick my orthotics up tomorrow. They said I should wear them for a week to get used to them before starting to try to run again. With the rain and cold last night, my foot is still hurting which means I shouldn't really run until it doesn't hurt again anyway.

I also appear to have an ear infection, caused by a sore throat, which was caused by hayfever. Consequently, I constantly feel like I've been swimming and want to jump up and down and shake my head to dislodge the fluid. No gratifying rush of water though. Sooooo frustrating! It also means I'm almost completely deaf in one ear and very dizzy as a result. My lovely running doc, C, is on holidays, but if it's not better in a few days, I'll have to see one of the other doctors for some antibiotics or something.

Had coffee with my lovely now-running friend, E, last night. She has started coming to the run inn and is loving it. I hope I can get back to the point where we would be able to plod together.

Am starting to tackle some of the other health issues I've had recently. It's a slow process and long term treatment, but I'm going to give it a go to see if it works. Better than doing nothing.

Drumroll, please... finally saw the foot doc

Went to see the foot doctor today and ended up spending the entire day at the Brisbane Private Hospital. I am so completely over spending days inside hospitals, but I decided, after waiting for months to get in and see the specialist it would be worth it just to finally, finally get a prognosis.

My initial appointment was at 9.30am. The doc looked at all the x rays, bone scans and then finally, the last MRI that diagnosed the Bursitis. Then he tells me that actually, he doesn't think it is bursitis at all. Instead, he thinks a bit of the bone in my foot has died because it shows up as a horrible grey colour, not white like fluid. This would also explain why nothing showed on the bone scan, since there is no increased blood flow to make it a 'hotspot'.

Cue much panic and him not giving me a straight answer on what would happen if it was dead.
So, I get sent straight off for another $450 MRI scan to confirm it.

With much baited breath and gnashing of teeth (and contemplating a lifetime of pain in my foot or surgery or far worse no more running) I finally get back in to see the specialist at 4pm.

He reviewed the new MRI and turns out it is bursitis after. Phew. Chronic Sesamoiditis, to be precise. To fix it, I've got to get an orthotic made for the foot and wear it for six to eight months. It will probably take that long until the inflammation goes down and the bursa thins out again. I can try running on it when it starts to feel better but I have to stop immediately if it hurts. So this means no long runs for a long time and counting forwards eight months, looks like I might not make it to the GCM next year either. Waa.

Looking at the bigger picture, I know this is actually good news (no surgery or cortisone!) and I'm very happy the bone wasn't dead. I guess part of me had been waiting for this appointment for so long that I had half imagined there'd be some magic bullet cure. Or that it wouldn't take so long to fix. Or that I'd known how to fix it months ago. At the moment I just feel cranky because I walked alot yesterday to stir it up for the specialist and consequently my foot now hurts like hell again and I'm truly, truly sick of it.

But there we are. Thinks could be worse. Once I have a couple of orthotics made, I can start trying to run again. That at least, is something.

update

Hello, hello.

Another non-running blog post for you all. I am unfortunately still stuck in the land of non-running until at the very earliest, 12 September, when I see the specialist about my foot. The last few months have definitely made me appreciate what it is to be healthy and fit. I know I keep saying it, but I will never take it for granted ever again. It has made me realise that it is perhaps not a good plan to rely so heavily on running as stress relief and a social life - good to have other options to fall back on.

Not much else to report... I recently had an exhibition, sold some work. Work is crazily busy, as always. My sister is pregnant again and my car is being repaired, post limo-bust up. I still can't work out how my car was hardly damaged and the big expensive monster was trashed!

I have also had all my hair cut off again in a short, messy 'bed hair' crop, a la halle berry/michelle williams.

limo

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I had a car accident last week.

I was driving to work, minding my own business and waiting to turn into the car park at work, when a bus stopped to let me through. Without thinking (!) I pulled across and promptly hit a car.

Not just any car, either. No.

I hit a two week old, chaffeur driven car, which, apparently (on looking at the business card of the driver) was actually a limo. I managed to take out three panels of his car, but only scratched the paint off the front of my faithful little toyota starlet.

Either way, I still have to pay the excess, so I'm getting mine repaired too.

When I'd calmed down from that, I went into work. Later, I went to leave for a doctors appointment to discover I had locked my keys in my car in the kerfuffle. It was only that I left the boot unlocked that I managed to scramble through and unlock the door without having to call the RACQ.

Whose overdue membership fee, I promptly decided to pay!

update

I have had about a million emails from everyone asking why I haven't blogged anything in ages, so I thought I should do a brief update of sorts.

I'm still not running and am still waiting for my specialist appointment to come up. The good news is that because I've done virtually no exercise for ages (and I'm talking one RPM class a week if that!) my foot actually feels a bit better. I may start walking to see if it recurs.

I've since had some other medical problems, which has resulted in a lot of doctors appointments and various other stuff. It is hopefully nothing that won't respond to treatment but it's meant I haven't been a very well girl, hence no blogging.

I have also put on a fair amount of weight again. I'm not back to 126kgs, but I'm a lot fatter than I've been in a long time. It's not a very nice place to be.

At the moment, I'm hoping that once I get the all clear to start running again (and learn to run again!) and with some more treatment for other stuff, things will improve.

dreaming

I dream last night that I was on a long run on the bike path by the river - the sun was sparkling on the water and the wind was in my hair. I could feel the salt drying on my skin and my heart pumping the blood through my body... felt really alive and full of joy to be plodding along like I used to.

Then I woke up :(

Anyway...

I got bumped up the waiting list for the specialist another week, after my doctor sent a faxed referral. I did learn to call on mondays though, to see if there's any more cancellations. I feel like just bloody running on it, only I don't want to be in pain for the foreseeable future or do any long term damage.

Have been doing RPM classes with Linda. The biggest achievement in which has been that my arse is no longer as sore as it was after a class any more. Perhaps it's because I'm spending so much more time sitting on it!

GCM pics here:

http://www.coolrunning.com.au/gallery2/v/CoolRunners/Unsorted/goldcoast07/

Nothing else to report, save that I had my very last PT session ever, have been doing the odd RPM class and my foot is no better... boring, boring!

GCM 2007

So, ventured down to the gold coast today to watch everyone do the half, the 10k and the marathon. Full of memories of last year and it killed me watching everyone get all pumped and take off, only to stand like a lemon and watch.

Pretty emotional and it actually sort of took me by surprise - I was quite prepared to stand and cheer and take lots of photos, when I remembered to hand my chip back in and was told I couldn't even get the tshirt because they're for 'finishers' only. Much to my embarrassment I almost cried in front of the woman. Yes, I know it's only a bloody race, it's only a bloody tshirt and there's always bloody next year, but it still upset me. I'm easily upset currently, much to my irritation. I just can't wait for this year to be over.

It wasn't all doom and gloom though - this pic is me and running buddy Tracey stealing the sub 3.30 marathon sign at the start of the race. It's the closest we're ever going to get to one and we gave it back afterwards, honest ;)

I took about 200 photos all up but I'm not uploading them until I get to work (and fast broadband) but lots of nice shots. Susannah did an amazing PB, coming in at just over 3.30 (18mins!) and Ronnie came in at 2.15, smashing her PB by 15 minutes! Great to see.

I couldn't find the CR cheer squad and couldn't hear well enough to use my mobile - too much noise and if I moved, I'd have lost our spot/table/place which I was holding for the run inn runners. Mind you, I almost didn't want to see anyone when I feel so revolting - better for me to just pull my head in and get on with getting myself sorted out before facing lovely CR people. Was quite happy just seeing one or two familiar faces and having a relatively quiet one.

It's good that it was quiet, because if I have anything to do with it, next year is going to be anything but! Nothing motivates more than a good dose of abject frustration.

Quiet on the Western Front

Well, not much new to report here. I'm still waiting for my appointment with the doc to see if there's anything that can be done about the wait for the specialist. I don't think the antibiotics I'm taking are doing anything for my foot. The anti-inflammatories help, but the dose isn't high enough to make much difference (it's Prexige again, but only one a day).

Went to the run inn on wednesday to wish everyone luck at the coast. Really bittersweet because it made me remember how electric and exciting it was this time last year for me as I got ready to run my first 'proper' marathon. I know there'll hopefully be many more (and if nothing else, being on the bench is increasing my motivation for when I can run again) but it still made me want to cry! Whinge, whinge, whinge. I will never, ever, ever, take running like I was, for granted, ever again.

Have realised I'm supposed to be at a work-related function on saturday night and I can't really get out of it without looking enormously rude, so I have decided to car pool with the girls on the sunday morning. The lovely Susannah had offered me a bed in her apartment bless her and I feel reeeallyyyy bad about not using it, but I don't want to dampen anyone else's experience while I'm such a misery guts.

The truth is that my current state of woe is due to a bit more than a bung foot unfortunately and while I'm prepped and ready to cheer my lungs out for all and sundry, until I get my head together and sort myself out a bit, I have a suspicion that I'm going to tend to be a bit of a piker. The important thing is that I'm doing something about it, so I hope everyone can be a bit patient with me until I get myself together.

That said, I am looking forward to seeing everyone at the race. I am contemplating giving my chip to someone uber fast so that I can claim a sub 1:40 half, but I think that might be cheating ;) I am going to take my camera and take lots of pics for everyone, too.

fark!

Rang up today to get an appointment with the specialist. Whose first available appointment is October 31st. That's almost four months away. Four months. By which point, if this doesn't fix itself, I will have had !@%#$ bursitis for eight months straight. Far Out.

Did half an hour on the bike and a body balance class and then an RPM class this morning, followed by a brief swim. My butt is killing me from the bike seats and I've discovered I can't even do most of a body balance class because it involves flexing your feet in a painful manner. I am suspecting the same will be true of yoga.

Blah. Blah. Blah....

referral

Thanks for all the supportive comments, guys. Much appreciated!

Went back to see my lovely running doc and now have a referral for the specialist. I've also got another course of anti-inflams and some antibiotics to take (apparently there can be infection in the bursa). The Doc doesn't think another round of pills will help after all this time (but hey, worth a shot!) and that the specialist will go with cortisone, which, I've decided, if it's put to me as a treatment option, I will try in conjunction with no running for the foreseeable future while all this gets sorted out. If the cortisone doesn't work, then it means surgery. Blah!

It's been really interesting hearing about everyone's experiences with cortisone, good and bad, but currently I am at the stage where I am in pain at some point every day with it so I'm ready to do whatever it takes. If it doesn't work, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You never know, perhaps the specialist will have other options for me to consider, too.

Am doing RPM classes with running buddy L and some body balance with workmate, S. Will throw myself in the pool a few times a week and hopefully that (and my Psychologist!) will stop me rocketing all the way back to morbid obesity.

There you go, an almost positive blog! I'm going to have to think of other things to write about in the interim period ;)

Went to the 5km TT this morning at Shorncliffe and had a bit of a chat with Uncle Phil about the bursitis and cortisone and stuff. He's not sure that getting an injection is the best thing and reckons it often doesn't work. After lots of reading (hurrah for CR and google) it seems there are definitely two schools of thought. Those for, those against.

So, I'm thinking perhaps I should just get in to see a podiatrist (Nathan Eadie was recommended to me but apparently he's hard to get in to see - very popular) get everything assessed and just take a few months off completely to see if it helps, before resorting to steroids. Gah. I dunno.

It is going to absolutely kill me not to run. Mostly because once the memory of the endorphins fades, I'm terrified I won't ever find the motivation to start again. I feel like running now defines a part of who I am and no other form of exercise really does it for me anymore. Anything else I might like to do (team sports like football, netball, volleyball) are all going to involve the same old pounding. I'm scared I'm really going to let lose the hounds and rocket back up to 126kg.

I picked up my GC race pack today as well. I didn't downgrade it to the 10km so technically I'm still entered in the half. I'm debating the wisdom of doing any event at all really - all it's going to do is agravate the situation and I don't even think I would make it to the 10km mark currently. The jury is still out but my foot hurts after a 5km jog this morning, so it's not looking good. What a waste of $65.00.

Blah. Just call me Ms.Misery Guts. I'm not blogging again until I have something positive to say! I can't stand listening to myself!