Hallo :)

So, I just posted a reintroduction on CR and now I am back blogging, too.

I'm currently still in hospital after a week, but am due to be discharged on saturday. I think I have finally decided that running is a healthier obsession than some of my other problematic sorts, so I am going to make a concerted effort to at least get back to doing SOME exercise.

One of my major hurdles is going to be facing people wearing a singlet.

Why?

Firstly, because I have put on so much weight (I got back up to 120kg, now back down to about 98kg - when people knew me as a 'runner' I hovered between 79-85kg). So I have a fair way to go with that. Not to mention that I have the added problem of an eating disorder, which makes weight loss particularly triggering.

Secondly, (and this is infinitely more difficult to talk about) since I have been sick, I've had a very major battle on my hands with self harm. When I say self harm, I specifically mean that I have damaged and disfigured my own body. It means that my arms, shoulders and wrists are now literally covered in very big, very obvious scars. I do look rather like a patchwork quilt.

Self harm is a scary, scary thing, horribly difficult to conquer and seems abhorrent to so many people - it's shocking to see the results on another person and I can understand that - but it's really hard to face the question 'what happened to your arms?' all the time when you're trying to move on with your life. I'm sick of telling people I got mauled by a tiger ;)

So anyway. I have a few biiiigggg problems to tackle in my attempt at coming back to running. I have nooo fitness whatsoever. None. I have to motivate myself to start the horrific initial stage of walk-run-walk-run-collapse-crawl-and-repeat that I remember all too well from the first time I learnt to run. I know it's worth it in the end, but it's going to be even less fun with an extra 20kgs on me!

I hope you're all well (if anyone is still reading this, of course!)

I shall report back next week, with a plan and some small goals.

Ciao!