Week One

I'm home and it's monday... I was discharged from the private hospital, had a really rough weekend and spent most of it in the public hospital, but I'm home now and contemplating what to do in terms of exercise for the week. I think I will start with walking... I don't think I need to buy new shoes just yet, since the pair I have were quite new when I stopped running.

Today, I am resting, but tomorrow I will spring into some sort of physical action...

So, rough plan for the week:

Tuesday:
Walk 30 minutes, stretch

Wednesday:
Walk 35 minutes, stretch

Thursday:
Walk 40 minutes, stretch

Friday:
Walk 45 minutes, stretch

Saturday:
Walk 50 minutes, stretch

Sunday:
Walk 60 minutes, stretch

I'd like to be walking for an hour by the end of the week. Then I will probably follow it with another week of just walking for an hour and trying to stretch some life back into my muscles. Yea Gads. It is certainly going to take a long time to get back to the lolloping along of olde. I foresee PAIN and SUFFERING. But it's my fault for doing NOOOO exercise for years.

I heard that the Run Inn is starting a new walk/run group after the GCM, so hopefully I will be able to cope with that by next month.... maybe I can convince my best friend Em to come along with me, though she can run anyway, now. Lucky thing.

Does anyone know if everyone still meets at the Regatta of a saturday morning at 6.30am or so for long runs? I am thinking about coming along but just walking. Then having coffee afterwards or something. Must email Tracey, Sam, Jill and Ronnie and see what they're doing these days.

Hallo :)

So, I just posted a reintroduction on CR and now I am back blogging, too.

I'm currently still in hospital after a week, but am due to be discharged on saturday. I think I have finally decided that running is a healthier obsession than some of my other problematic sorts, so I am going to make a concerted effort to at least get back to doing SOME exercise.

One of my major hurdles is going to be facing people wearing a singlet.

Why?

Firstly, because I have put on so much weight (I got back up to 120kg, now back down to about 98kg - when people knew me as a 'runner' I hovered between 79-85kg). So I have a fair way to go with that. Not to mention that I have the added problem of an eating disorder, which makes weight loss particularly triggering.

Secondly, (and this is infinitely more difficult to talk about) since I have been sick, I've had a very major battle on my hands with self harm. When I say self harm, I specifically mean that I have damaged and disfigured my own body. It means that my arms, shoulders and wrists are now literally covered in very big, very obvious scars. I do look rather like a patchwork quilt.

Self harm is a scary, scary thing, horribly difficult to conquer and seems abhorrent to so many people - it's shocking to see the results on another person and I can understand that - but it's really hard to face the question 'what happened to your arms?' all the time when you're trying to move on with your life. I'm sick of telling people I got mauled by a tiger ;)

So anyway. I have a few biiiigggg problems to tackle in my attempt at coming back to running. I have nooo fitness whatsoever. None. I have to motivate myself to start the horrific initial stage of walk-run-walk-run-collapse-crawl-and-repeat that I remember all too well from the first time I learnt to run. I know it's worth it in the end, but it's going to be even less fun with an extra 20kgs on me!

I hope you're all well (if anyone is still reading this, of course!)

I shall report back next week, with a plan and some small goals.

Ciao!

Whatever happened to Hannah?

Hello Team. Not sure if anyone actually reads this blog anymore, but I felt some compulsion (after four months!) to update a little bit.

So, what's been going on?

I've been in and out of hospital. I had a course of ECT (electro convulsive therapy) to try to treat my severe depression and various other joyful things, only it REALLY didn't agree with me and now I have amnesia. I literally cannot remember the last eight weeks and half a ton of stuff beyond that. I actually forgot that my sister has three kids, couldn't remember my home phone number or how to get from home to work. It is soooo frustrating, I cannot express exactly what it's like.

My mother keeps telling me all about things we did during the eight weeks I was in during ECT and I have no recollection. I feel like someone stole my body.

Add to which, they let me out too quickly afterwards, stupidly I went back to work the day after being released (stress from funding cuts being the main motivator with that) and predictably, I had another melt down.

Currently I'm out on day release for the weekend, and have to go back on sunday arvo, but I think I've been back in for a month now.

I can't quite figure out what the bloody hell happened to my life. It just sort of exploded on me!

Obviously, I've done no exercise in MONTHS. My weight is up to 100kg again (joy...) though I have lost six kg due to crap hospital food. Despite all the physical rest, my foot STILL bloody hurts.

Blah.

Anyway, I'm still kicking (with one foot, anyway) and I hope things are going better for all of you! I am doubting whether I'll ever be able to run again at this point :(

hi

hello all, very quick post to say I'm still here, still alive. I'm using one of those dodgy netkiosk thingies. I'm in hospital unfortunately and have been for the last ten days but hoping to be out tonight or early this week! Dying to get out into fresh air!

Hope you're all well, safe and happy.

Still chugging along. Went for a slow walk on friday. May even do it again today. Woo! LOL.

I'm going up to Mooloolaba for a few days at xmas. I think my nearest and dearest are rather afraid to leave me alone on significant dates now. That said, I'm looking forward to spending some time swimming, sunbaking and reading. My planned reading for the break currently includes "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" which I've been meaning to read for years.

Thanks also for all the comments, lovely people. It's nice to read supportive stuff. I will have to read more blogs - I've not been online so much lately.

In an effort to do something positive, I took this photo the other day on my walk. The good thing about walking is that I can carry my camera, which I can't do when I run (too much shaking for an SLR!)

Hope you're all looking forward to a very happy xmas and new year. I've got my fingers crossed that 2008 is a whole lot better than 2007!

H x

I have no hair

Because every woman should shave her head at least once in her life time, and my hair was very short anyway, I decided to do mine ;) snap decision, though on retrospect, I really should've done it for charity.

It's quite liberating, though my head is a bit cold. It's growing surprisingly fast, too. It feels great and I can't stop rubbing my head. It also has fantastic velcro properties ;) Just kidding.

Of course, I also seem to fit right in at the mental health section of the local hospital now. Just call me Britney. Not! I don't know why I've been so hush hush about what's been happening to me lately - I think it's that I have been scared people will judge me for it. But perhaps, while I don't talk about this stuff, I'm actually lending power to that idea.

Anyway, the long and the short of it, if you hadn't guessed already, is that I've been suffering from acute, clinical depression as well as bulimia and a personality disorder. All in all, I've been as low as you can possibly get. My birthday was the pinnacle and, well, I'm lucky I'm still here.

It's hard to explain what that's like to someone who hasn't been there. There's a line in the sand in life and once you've crossed it, the knowledge that you're capable is always there. Then there's the effect such things have on the people who love you. I'm still working my way through that aftermath.... I am still the Hannah that people know, but on another level, I am quite literally, a big, fat mess. My family and workplace have been really supportive, but funding changes at work have made things quite unstable so who knows what the future holds.

Depression makes me behave like a hermit. I can go out to see friends in small groups or go to the movies, but I struggle with large groups or public events. I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. The effort it takes me to fight my illness every day seems to just suck all will out of me.

I know that eventually things will have to settle. In the mean time, I'm attempting to weather the storm. I do want to get back to running. I just think it's all going to take some time. One day at a time!

Hola

Hello Blogland,

I’m still kicking. Or at least I really would be if I could kick one foot with the other without falling over. I’m currently on another round of name-that-antiinflammatory and trying to muster some enthusiasm to move my ever-expanding arse. If my foot isn’t better by February (marking 12 months since I hurt it) I’m going back to the specialist and begging for surgery.

I did go swimming last week. Once. The only thing that’s getting a major work out around me currently is the local mental health system. I’m collecting labels.

Besides spending quality time with my Psychiatrist, therapist, doctor and caseworker (we are just one big happy family, really) I am currently working many, many hours a week. Which is good, really, since this is a stormy time for my employer with recent funding cuts and may go some way to helping me keep my job. There are also family problems brewing, just to add some icing to the overbaked cake.

I saw the running girls tonight. Went to Ronnie’s and had Mexican. Complete with Sombreros and plastic cacti. It was nice to see them all.